Mother's Day

I have mixed feelings about mothers day.

On one hand, it's a day to celebrate the awesome mom I have. She literally bends over backwards to make sure I'm okay. I only need to call and ask and it is always provided. Last year I was diagnosed with my latest disease. And of course, with all new diseases, it costs money to get handled and treated. My mom, whose been retired for 10 years now, offered to go back to work so that I could survive. That's the kind of mom I have. She's irritating and nosey and mostly drives me crazy, but I know without a shadow of a doubt she loves me. When she told me she wanted to go back to work to help pay my medical bills, I felt the lowest of the low. You see, I'm in my late 30s. I should be able to have my shit together. But my mom is willing to set aside her freedom and become a slave to the rat race again. That's a mothers love.

I also have a friend; she's a mother of a woman who is just about my age. My friends daughter wants nothing to do with her. She doesn't call, text, email, write letters, send smoke signals to her mother at any part of the year; especially not on Mother's Day. The thing is, my friend adores her daughter. Every time I come over to visit, and I visit quite often, she has a new story to tell me about her daughter when she was young. My friend is like my mom and would do anything for her daughter; but she ignores her, like she doesn't exist.

Lastly, I hate Mother's Day because I want to be a mom and I know I can never be one. I cannot physically have children myself and my medical conditions are such that caring for a kid on my own would be a death sentence for me. I would not have the energy, strength or stamina to raise a child by myself. I know I would be a good mom. I've had great examples of mothers between my mom, my godmom, my grandmoms, and adopted moms too.

My friends will say that I can adopt or have a surrogate or whatever.... but I cannot do those things alone. I would have been a great mom and I am very motherly to all the kiddos I come in contact with. I know there are several kids who are were they are today because I was there. I recognize and I get that but it's not the same. At the end of the day, they run and turn to someone else and call them mom. And it makes me even more depressed.

I was okay on Mother's Day. I visited a few people. Said the required sayings to mom's across my news feeds. But mostly I stayed away from people. I couldn't bear the thought of someone wishing me a happy mothers day on accident; or me explaining I wasn't a mom; or realize how I personally feel like a failure. I was okay until my friend text me saying she wanted a hollow-point bullet to take the misery away. She told me why she was so low and like the selfish human I am, I cried. I cried for her, but mostly I cried for what will never be for me. I let out what I had been feeling and trying to hide.

Do you remember the cartoon's with Pepe Le Pew? He loved that cat and loved that cat hard, but the cat knowing Pepe was a skunk wanted nothing to do with him. Pepe would love on and kiss the cat and the cat would do its best to run away. Then the hearts that were floating around Pepe's head would break into two. I feel like Pepe. All you want is something or someone to love and it doesn't want anything to do with you. That's mothers day.