But I'm only suffocating in my sleep, right?

So, I was talking about my new medical issues a little while ago. And I apparently breath so shallow at night that I suffocate in my sleep. As a result, my doctor has put me on a respirator to breath for me at night while I'm sleeping. This way I can continue to have enough air to survive get rest at night too.

Every morning when I take the respirator off, those first few breaths without the machine breathing for me feels like I can't breath. I get up, give Scooter belly rubs and then go to the restroom where the cat follows me so I can give her belly rubs while taking care of business. My lungs adjust to working by themselves and I get dressed and take Scoots on his morning potty walk around the neighborhood.

However, I still feel like I am suffocating each and every day. With support and without support. Walking up one flight of stairs and I FEEL like I've run a marathon. My heart is pounding, I can't catch my breath and I have to sit down on my bed for a few minutes to recover from walking up the stairs. God forbid I actually take something up the stairs with me. That's just a game over.

Walking out side, talking to my students, living my life still feels like I'm suffocating. W.E.B. DuBois talks about the double consciousness in his book The Souls of Black Folk (1903). He describes double consciousness as "the individual sensation of feeling as though your identity is divided into several parts, making it difficult or impossible to have one unified identity." Donna Kate Rushing said in The Bridge Poem (1981), "I am sick Of having to remind you To breathe Before you suffocate Your own fool self."

Am I holding my breath when all these different personalities come forward? Do I have DuBois' form of multiple personality disorder? It would seem like all this is stress related. I'm getting anxious even thinking about why I might be suffocating myself in the day time. I can feel the panic rising...

Stop

Breathe

I only suffocate when I sleep, right?