Talkers talk and I... just sit there

If you surround yourself with talkers, you never have to. Just listen to what they say and parrot back to them what they want to hear.

I think that has been my whole life.

I've always told myself that I was a chameleon. I can mimic whatever group I am around and look comfortable doing it. When, in actuality, I am terrified of just being there. I was at a conference a few months ago where the conference speaker asked us to do a little experiment. He told us to partner up and one person needed to smile and the other person needed to resist smiling. I got with a partner and they decided I would be the one not to smile. Challenge accepted. We had to play these rolls for 30 seconds and try and not give in to smiling. The idea was that smiling and happiness is infectious and that we become more relatable and connected with our students when we smile; even to a person who doesn't want to. After the 30 seconds passed he asked if anyone was able to do it. He said either those people are crazy or they have acting training. I did it easily. So am I crazy or is it the acting I've had (you know, my whole life). The longer I looked at my smiling-idiot looking partner the more irritated I became with them. Like, why are you so weird to be smiling at a time like this? Don't you know death and destruction are all around us? Don't you know you can die in any second? Don't you realize there are so many people here, you're likely to get shot while sitting at the conference and there isn't a damn thing you can do about it? Yeah, I didn't smile. I didn't have reason to. I created a scene in my head, but really I just stopped participating in the distractions to participate in this experiment. Somehow, I don't think I quite followed the presenters instructions but I...won???

Most of my friends are talkers. I feel as though I never really get the space to say what I want anyway or even process the things they're saying fully. I'm too preoccupied with my own thoughts I sometimes can't even hear what they are saying. Not that it matters, because when two or more of my talker friends get together, I cease to exist altogether. Even when directly asked a question, someone else usually jumps in to talk about something else before I can open my mouth. I often ask myself, why even be there at all. But it also makes me feel stupid. Like I am the dumbest friend they have. (And I know some of their

friends/families, clearly I am not...) But just the same, it feels as though my opinion doesn't matter, so what's the point of having one?

There is this one person in my life whom I love and adore immensely. I've known this person since childhood and I really and truly appreciate this person being on earth and being in my life. However, whenever they ask me a question, I know they really don't want my answer, they want the answer that justifies whatever they were going to do in the first place. So, I smile and nod and ask them, "Oh really, well what is it you want to do?" And my opinion automatically becomes whatever they were going to do. They didn't really want my opinion, they just wanted validation.

I feel it is only spaces like this where I can actually speak without being interrupted (unless the dog wants to go outside) and I can refine my thoughts before they are out for the world to see. In fact, this is the third time I've revised this post...in the last 20 minutes. I guess it stems from not wanting to be wrong or trying not to feel like an imposter or an idiot. Others are smarter than me, they can just say what I'm thinking. You might have noticed on Twitter or Facebook I never really say anything, I just repost what other people have said. Why waste my breath when the talkers are talking? Nothing I say is that important anyway, right?

So, I just sit there.