That look of disappointment
I have never been a person who caught anyones eye and I am feeling it severely right now... In this stage of life I wanted to be married and have a kid or two but those were not the cards I've been dealt. So, I pretend like it's okay. I've been told if you want to change your circumstance, you must have action to accompany that change. And as a result of that advice, for the past two years, I have committed myself to being a little more open to other people and particularly the dating scene. I hate it.
Some of the people I have met have claimed they want relationship but really, they just want to stick "it" where the sun don't shine... But I want more. I want real relationship where two people are there for each other in good times and bad. They irritatingly finish each other's sentences and they "show up" for the large and small things; to help you deal with everything. My personality is that of a cheerleader. I want to encourage and motivate others to be the best they can possibly be. I want someone to be that for me.
Recently, I went on a blind date with a person I've talked to on the phone and thru text for the past couple of weeks. They wanted to meet and made the plans to meet right after I got off work. I got to the location first and just sat in my car until they showed up. They then called me and I met them at the front door of the place to eat.
Now, I don't know if it is my training in counseling, my intuitive nature or my ability to read micro-body languages that most frustrates me. However, when you meet someone new and they are automatically disappointed in who you are as a person; your unchanging physical being, your emotion and intelligence is not good enough, it's not a good feeling. I saw that twing of disappointment. I could even "hear" the thoughts he had when he first saw me. Something like, "damn, this ugly mfer." Now he didn't say that out loud, but intuitive people know. It happened so quickly and then covered up just as fast you question if you even saw it. But you know you did...I know I did. It makes you feel like the lowest piece of scum out there.
I know this person was not any good for me. I know this person and I would never click. I am too Becky and he too Birdman for something to really happen. But still that look of disappointment hurts everytime.