Best Friends

"A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have..."

It always surprises me when someone says I'm their best friend. I guess it stems from childhood when people never even wanted to be associated with me let alone claim me as a "best."

I remember back in elementary school I had a best friend. She also happened to be the most popular girl in our grade. Which meant people had to be friends with me if they wanted to be friends with her. We were surrounded by people all the time, wanting to play games with us, share stories about stupid stuff, and just all around have a good time. The next year my best friend was sent to a Gifted and Talented School while I remained at our home school. It was the lonelinest year. Since no one HAD to be friends with me, no one was. That whole year I played by myself, ate lunch alone, and got picked on by the boys (until one of them broke his hand fighting me.. but that's another story). It seemed like even the teachers didn't like me either since that "good student" wasn't my friend either. After that year, I just really stayed to myself. I was nice to everyone, but I didn't get close to anyone.

A few years later, I got in contact with that best friend again. We talked on the phone a few times during my 5th grade year even though I had just moved to a new city and wasn't in the neighborhood anymore. The last time I talked to her on the phone she asked, "um...isn't there anyone else you can talk to? I really don't want to talk to you anymore." I never called her again. Fast forward about seven years and I saw her and her mother out in a store with my mom. The parents were so excited to have us see each other. And that best friend seemed happy to see me too. But I was still living in that hurtful moment. I skirmed and wormed and didn't want to even look her in the eye. I felt like she could see that I was still a loser and not worthy of her even saying hi to me. Because that's how she made me feel and in turn how I felt about myself.

So, when people introduce me as their best friend it kinda rattles me at first. I am initially trying to fight off the inevitable hurt this person is going to bestow upon me. After all, I know EVERYONE is different but that twinge of fear is still there that one day they will leave and one day they will still hurt me to the core. So, I never call anyone my best friend until they say it first. Even then, I have to fight off the fear of what that means.

Give me some time if you're going to call me your best friend. At first I'll panic. Then I'll see if you said it cause you want something. Then I'll just see how long we last. Best friends for me never really meant best; it meant, "the person I take advantage of at the moment."

Time tells all.

So does best friendship.