Ugly cry

This past weekend I was out with some friends of mine.

A story was relayed about a black woman and her child having to experience actual threats to her life simply because she was a black woman in a white space. This woman was trapped, could not leave the area and was forced to endure this continued harassment for hours on end. My friend told this story because she couldn't believe it. I could and ugly cried right there in the restaurant surrounded by people I didn't know.

After this, I then went to my best friends house and told him that everyday of my life, I live with the fear of being Black in America. I am so tired of fighting, and being ignored, and being taken advantage of, and explaining, and interpreting, and justifying, and then fighting again. I've even told people to "shut up, they were no longer allowed to speak because they obviously couldn't follow a logic model if it hit them in the face." Such behavior is not like me at all, but I have had it and I am exhausted; I have no more fucks to give.

The stress and trauma of putting one foot in front of the other is such a burden that on weekends typically I never leave my house. If I do, it's to take my dog out on a walk, and only in my neighborhood. I told my best friend that I didn't want a husband/boyfriend for couplings sake, I wanted someone to help carry this burden. I want someone to help protect me from threats I don't even see coming. I need someone to understand that burden and pain without me having to teach it or be guarded against unintended attacks or microagressions they throw because just one more attack and I feel like I'll melt into a blob.

I was asked if I could talk to my mom about these feelings. But I will not. My mother has had friends who were lynched. My mothers brother; my uncle, was stabbed in the back and made a quadriplegic for talking to a white woman. My mothers sister, my aunt, the first to be integrated into a white school in Mississippi. My mother has already gone through all this and I will not make her relive all that again.

I have been invited to go to London for a vacation. At this point, I don't think I'd come back. I can not take the United States any more.