It's just the mail

So, my 40th birthday is coming up. It's something I've kinda, low-key been trying to ignore. Honestly, I didn't even think I would live long enough to see 40, let alone actually TURN forty! But it is less than one month away and I cannot deny it anymore. This thing is going to happen. There isn't anything I can do about it.

This morning I was invited over to my best friends parents house. They always do family breakfast on Saturday morning's but this was different than normal. First, it was on Friday and not Saturday. But most importantly, my besties sister, her husband and their child was in town. After we all feasted on breakfast tacos, I brought up about what to do for my birthday with the parents. "What do you want to do?" they asked....and I truly have no idea. They say 40 is the new 30 and it's the new 20 if you're black (you know, because Black don't crack). But I didn't do anything on those birthdays either...

Last year I had a birthday party. It was themed as the "First Annual 39th Birthday!" My 40th will be the second annual 39th Birthday. But it literally gives me anxiety. My stomach is actually churning. But why???

There is no doubting that I FEEL as though I should be farther along in my life. Some of the shows I've been watching lately have not helped either. On Blue Bloods, Erin is the ADA for New York City by her 40th birthday (her dream). On Being Mary Jane, MJ takes over as co host for the most coveted TV show in daytime television on her actual 40th birthday (her dream job). What's my dream??? What was I expecting? Do I need to "let go of the life I planned... to accept the one that is waiting for us." As I am pondering the deeper implications of this statement and my current circumstance, I run outside to get the mail and see a letter from my bank.

I open up the large envelope and read, "As a valued member of (banks name), you have the opportunity - just before your 40th birthday - to apply for up to $25,000 of Life Insurance!" I stop, as if someone just hit me in the stomach. Other people know I'm 40 too? It's not my secret? I am old enough to qualify for life insurance? And then they say, I don't even have to go to the doctor for a medical exam just answer a few yes or no questions on the application.

What is the universe trying to tell me (other than I'm getting old)? All this compounded existential crisis just from getting the mail. I still don't know what to do for my 40th...