What's it going to take?

I am part of some dissertation groups and introvert groups on Facebook. It is a community where I can be surrounded by like peers because I do not have anyone around me who is in the same spot I'm in. Dissertation is a lonely process. You are surrounded by data and reading, and writing and with each passing day, it becomes more and more challenging to put one step in front of the other...

Last week one of my Facebook "friends" posted about a research study for Black ABD students. Now, for those of you who don't know. ABD stands for All But Dissertation. This means that a person has finished all coursework, comprehensive exams, and everything is done with the degree except the dissertation. I have been ABD for several years now and this research study wanted to see the reasons why Black people, in particular, have a hard time finishing their degrees. I agreed to be a part of the study (mostly because, when I get to that point, I PRAY people volunteer to help me out. - Putting good karma out there...).

This week they contacted me for my interview. The interview lasted about an hour and asked about 40 or so open ended questions. One question in particular stood out to me. "What prevents you from finishing your degree?" I mean, it's a reasonable question. One that SHOULD be asked and answered to get an understanding of the problems concerning ABD individuals. MY answer? "Myself."

I know that I am a perfectionist. I know that I am a people pleaser. I never think I'm good enough, to even live, let alone be smart enough to write an entire book. The fear of failure is so overwhelming, imposter syndrome so real. I have such excruciatingly high anxiety that even writing one word requires so much mental fortitude that after a days work working with youth I can't seem to muster the courage to face my fears.

But I still keep working at it.... one word at a time.

Sigh.