Integrating Self: Becoming Nina Azarova

I have not been writing for the past few months for a couple of reasons. The most salient reason is unfortunately guilt and fear laden. I've been writing so much on my dissertation lately that I haven't had time to dedicate to myself or my own thoughts independent of others. The second is that I was afraid of myself. I know that sounds really stupid. How is one afraid of themselves in a free writing, online diary? But it is true. Imposter syndrome is so real and it creeps into every detail of your life. If I free wrote, you might realize the imposter that I actually am. I might not write things down correctly or in a way that makes sense. You might judge what I have to say and my arguments. But those are stupid reasons.

For the past week I have been on vacation at my brothers house out of state. My beautiful niece decided to take her work vacation at the same time I was in town just so we could spend time together. That makes me feel very special... For a few days of the vacation, this niece and I did absolutely nothing. Like, I didn't take over 1000 steps in the ENTIRE 24 hour period of a day. We spent time watching TV shows, eating ice cream, laughing and doing nothing.

This week we watched two entire seasons of two different shows. In particular, we watched the totality (seasons one and two) of The OA. I had already seen season one, but my niece hadn't. So we watched both seasons together. (highly recommended by the way) Last night I finished watching the last two episodes. I've been half asleep half awake all night processing it. Now, I won't spoil the show for you if you haven't seen it. But I see that I still need to integrate my own Nina Azarova

and Prairie/OA. I can't keep putting one in the box and living the other. I've been living in my own five sided cage.

So, I'm not going to let fear take control. I am going to write without fear of reprimand by the general population but I will also write with authority and humility.