Dealing with Pepe

(First off... I didn't know I could load gifs! haha)

I'm actually not really sure how to start this post. I've been up most of the night thinking about this and the content of this post but now that its time to write, I'm not sure what to say...

So, let's start all the way back.

I have two older half siblings. One with my mom and one with my dad. I am not close with either of them for different reasons. However, my Pepe problems started as a kid; probably around 7 or 8. One of my siblings never lived with me as a kid. They always lived in another state with my grandparents and no one would ever tell me why. It's just the way it was, so that became the law. I suppose because they lived so far away, I could make them into the best sibling there ever was. I put them on a pedestal so high. All my cousins loved this person and they would go back time and time again to get tortured (all in great glee and fun). Except, my sibling really just kind of ignored me. But in my head and in my heart I justified this behavior as an act of love.

I continued my admiration from a far and kept them on that pedestal until one day we ended up on the phone together. I'm not sure of the details now, but I think my mom found a journal of letters I kept to them and mailed them off. I didn't even know it happened. So, while we were talking I experienced my first heartbreak. The one that stays with you, lingering in the back of your head for the rest of your life. With all the love and admiration my 8 year old self could muster was devastated when my sibling uttered, "I never even considered you to be my sister."

That's where Pepe comes in. When Pepe, time after time, had his heart broken by the cat who rejects him, the screen showed those hearts around him breaking in two. I literally saw, felt and heard those hearts rip around me. (That was also the last time I watched Pepe Le Pew cartoons). This sibling kept talking, but I didn't hear them. I was too busy being hurt and rethinking every interaction between us for the reality of what they were.

In that moment, I learned to two things (a) never put anyone on a pedestal and (b) I was worthless. My logic seemed sound. When you look up to people like that, they will inevitably hurt you. So, don't give anyone that much admiration. People are people; that's it. The other lesson seemed just as logical. If my own sibling couldn't love me, why the hell would anyone else?

Now it seems as though I am on the other side of this Pepe equation and I am not comfortable with it at all. Someone has put me on a pedestal and all my internal sensors say to "RUN AS FAST AS POSSIBLE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION!!!" But I know I need to deal with my own Pepe issues. I am not comfortable with people loving me the way I love other people. I don't feel worthy and I feel like they will inevitably leave.

So, take things slow with me if you think this is real. It's going to take me some time.