Feelings

I took the day off work today. I stayed home and piddled around my house, but I also went to Starbucks to do some homework. I've been slacking in that since I passed my dissertation proposal defense. There are problems with the software I need to utilize for the next step in the process, so I'm just waiting for those things to get resolved. In the meantime, I and doing what I can to keep progressing forward, but I feel as though I really don't have a clear direction to go. However, that is not the point of this post...

A few weeks ago, the pedestal guy and I broke up. He got upset at something I said, and that was it for him. I am not really upset over it. I have learned very early in my life how to operate without emotions; to turn off feelings. I was always made fun of for every aspect of myself, that as I kid, I made sure I was the FIRST person to put myself down. I learned back then that it hurt less if you made fun of yourself BEFORE others got the opportunity to make fun of you. I learned to beat them to the punchline, even if the punchline was me.

That was a great technique, back then, to shift the way people thought of me. I could make a joke because I was the joke. The problem, I came to realize over time, is that I started believing I was the joke. Eventually, I grew up, and people less and less make fun of me. But I never turned feelings back on. I know I am highly sensitive and/or empathetic. I FEEL what others are feeling; sometimes it's just too overwhelming. I cannot do large crowds, and I don't usually see people other than while I am working. Most of my time is spent by myself. But that isn't good either. I cannot live socially isolated either. When I go home on Friday nights from work, I usually don't use my voice again until Monday morning, when I go back to work.

If you were to ask me, at any point in the day, how I'm feeling, I would have no clue. But I could tell you what I am thinking (most times, even though that question fills me with anxiety; what if I am thinking something wrong?). I know I need to turn feelings back on. I am just not sure how to do that and get overwhelmed. My feeling spigot is in two positions; off or full blast and neither of them is healthy. I fear that if I turn on feelings, I would not be able to function in society. I have not learned how to turn other peoples feeling OFF and turn my own ON. So I go into hibernation to rid myself of others' feelings, and in the process, I feel nothing.