Out of Place

This weekend my little brother wanted me to meet his new girlfriend. He and his coworkers, along with his girlfriend and some of her friends were going to go to a speakeasy to hang out and have some fun. I was already unsure about going because of 1). I rarely do anything 2). I don't have friends who do anything 3). It was a new place 4). I don't want to embarrass my brother, 4). I don't know the social cues 5). The patrons will be young 6). What to wear 7). What to talk about 8). Just trust me, this list was really long...

So, I was happy he invited me to go, but I was also unsure since our VAST age difference (and the partial list printed above). He's in his mid-twenties and I am...not. How can I relate to such a different crowd of youngsters? I never had a "proper" twenty-something lifestyle. But I am young enough to remember that bars and clubs and such can have dress codes. So, I asked what to wear. He said, "just channel your inner hipster." What the hell does that even mean? It's a positive I already wear glasses, right?

But I went. I threw caution to the wind. I think I had fun. I know my brother had fun. I liked his girlfriend. But I didn't feel like I belonged. However, I never feel like I belong anywhere. Anyway, through the course of the night, I text people... it's just what I do. It's my security blanket. I'm so cool that I don't have to be a part of "you people" because I am too important, but here I am. When honestly, it means I am petrified and I am trying my best to blend into the scenery so you won't engage with me.

One of the people who I was texting told me to stop texting them. We won't talk ever again. When I was in elementary school, I had a very popular best friend. Everyone wanted to be her friend, and people tolerated me because she and I were friends. She was the cool kid, I was her tag-a-long lackie friend. She switched schools one year, and overnight, I had zero friends at all. I called her one day during the summer just to talk, and she asked me to stop calling her; "don't you have other people to talk to?" I didn't. We never spoke again.

I know what it feels like to be completely honest and completely yourself, and that thing just not be good enough for even a conversation. I don't try to be annoying. I also think it's why I rarely talk to people. I just let them do all the talking. (you can't tell me I'm not good enough of a person if I'm not talking in the first place). That reply, however, really hit me in the face. It brought me back to a 12-year-old girl whose entire existence meant nothing.

I've been to my house for the rest of the weekend. I haven't text many people, just my regular meme receivers. I've isolated myself again because the world has yet again told me that it doesn't want me around. "Thank you for your gifts, but we don't want you around anymore." If my brother asks me to accompany him again on an outing, I think I'll just stay home.